So Very Hard To Go

Ain't nothing I can say,
Nothing I can do,
I feel so bad,
I feel so blue.
I got to make it right
For everyone concerned
Even if it's me, if it means it's me what's getting burned.

I knew the time would come,
I'd have to pay for my mistakes,
I can't blame you for what you're doing to me girl,
Even though my heart aches.

Only wish I didn't have to love you so,
Makes it so, so very hard to go.

Chances Are

What a week!

I was on an emotional roller coaster since Nov 25th. Now another week passed, and I'm still too numb to feel any pain.

I encountered this song in 《Ally Mcbeal》, the soap drama that helps me to get through all these days and nights. When the words wash over me, the past keep on swirling in my mind too.

I remember clearly how you looked in the age of innocence. I remember vaguely how you looked "the" night. I remember your laughter and your smile. I remember your tears and your sob. I remember how you made me smile and feel so at ease. I remember how you made me cry and feel so desperate.

I know all the rules of logic don't apply. I know you're the best I've ever met. I know you're all I long to see. I know how much you mean to me. I know you're the only one I can't forget.

Though I'm not yet giving up dreaming of our future, and hoping you'll be by my side. Deep down, I know chances are, I can never see you again in real life. Chances are, I can never hear from you any more. Chances are, I always end up driving by your life.

May I see you somewhere in my dreams tonight, my beloved?

The Green-Eyed Monster

I don't understand why it looks like a bomb after going through so many things.It shouldn't matter, but it did blow me to bits again.

When the anger faded,the sadness and the desperation rose.I can't stop shaking like a leaf blown in the stiff wind.

This was crazy. I had never thought I would be mad at you like that one day. The words stormed out from my fingers without any contemplation.I even clicked the reply without the second look.Then I left office regardless of any consequence.

The dark fell, the tide ebbed,the clarity came back to my mind at last,the damage is there already and irrevocable.I can't imagine how you are feeling now, but I have a gut feeling we are back to silent land again. Look what I said to you? I was so hard on you.I guess at some point, the green monster lurking deep in my heart finally took control of me, as I scared before.



My apologies, my dearest. Forgive me for what I did to you.

I guess now you would know better why I haven't jumped at the chance you offered till now. The green-eyed monster is one of reasons which prevent me from giving us a shot. At this stage, I still can't tame it. I'm scared it will hurt both of us again and again.

100 Tears Away

I want to go ahead and cry hard, but I'm frozen.
I want to give in to the madness to feel joy and sadness again, but I'm scared to death.
I want to find an answer, but I can't even think.

I wish I would believe:
All of the happiness I seek
All of the joy for which I pray
Is closer than I think
It's just 100 tears away.

But I know I'm a long way from some place I feel safe. And there's a place in my heart, the loneliness and sadness are so much that even you can't soothe.

I love you so, I'm willing to take any chance to be with you as long as you can love me back. But we are not longing for the same, I dare not to believe: this time things will be different, this time we can make it.

I don't know how, how I've lived till now, how I will live in the future. I don't know how, how to set my heart free...

How I wish: If only you are just 100 tears away......

The Rose

When I heard the word "love" again, I couldn't help but wonder what love is, what kind of love I want.

I recall the song sung by the singer - 阿桑, who appeared in my sight when I was lost in my love for you, who died young at the time we were torn apart by my love for you. She was singing:

Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
......

I would say love is a hunger, an endless, aching need.

I'm not afraid of breaking my heart, it is your heart I'm afraid of breaking.

I'm not afraid of waking from my dream. I hesitate to take the chance just because I know our dreams are different to some extent and I'm afraid of waking you up harshly again.

I know my soul will revive, as long as you come back to my life.

The night has been too lonely for a long long time, the road to the destination has been too long too. I know all these will change as long as you come back.

Then why I'm holding back?

I once thought that love is for the lucky and the strong and the smart. What if I'm the fool and the unlucky and the stubborn?

Do I deserve your innocent love, even it is not exactly what I want?

I know in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed that with the sun's love, in the spring, it becomes the rose.

Could the seed of my love become the rose you are long for some day?

I have no answers at all. Really.

大海

一个人走在海边，远眺冲浪的弄潮儿，耳机里不断回放着张雨生的这首“大海”，忧伤的旋律，随着海浪潮起又潮落，也狠狠地搅动了我的心。

想起这么多年来，倘佯过三亚的海滩、行走过青岛的海岸线、吹过烟台的海风、观赏过东方明珠的海景、聆听过希腊的海浪、浮光掠影过威尼斯的海岛、寻访过哥本哈根的海的女儿、穿行过瑞典的海边城市、亲密接触过普吉的碧海银沙，如今又来到了一年四季阳光灿烂的加州海岸，从L.A到Santa Monica, 从Long Beach到La Jolla再到San diego，这么多的大海，竟不能唤回曾经的爱，也依然带不走我的思念、我的哀愁和我的爱...

这余下的半生，还能等待什么？

 

If only we could make of life What in dreams it seems

In The Real World – Roy Orbison

In dreams we do so many things
We set aside the rules we know
And fly the world so high
In great and shining rings

If only we could always live in dreams
If only we could make of life
What, in dreams, it seems

But in the real world
We must say real goodbyes
No matter if the love will live
It will never die

In the real world
There are things that we can’t change
And endings come to us
In ways that we can’t rearrange

I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world

When we were dreaming heart to heart
I wish that we had stayed right there
For when the dreamers do awake
The dreams do disappear

If only we could always live in dreams
If only we could make of life
What, in dreams, it seems

But in the real world
We must say real goodbyes
No matter if the love will live
It will never die

In the real world
There are things that we can’t change
And endings come to us
In ways that we can’t rearrange

I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world

The End of The World

如果这爱是个误会，又是谁，让瞬间成永远？

多少流年似水，轻描淡写？

多少百转迁回，朝朝与暮暮？

谣言钩沉 —— 《谣言：世界最古老的传媒》

读此书，不妨依毛尖建议，将其一分为二。求有趣者，可以流传新旧大陆的谣言实例为主，从集锦中一瞥彼时欧美风情；求识见者，哪怕卡教授可能如人所议识见平平、有点精神分裂，有心者也能从他对谣言的系统阐述中挖出数个闪光点，对没有学术武装的传媒学槛外人，尤是。

我的第一个收获就是谣言的科学定义。在谣言已成日常消费品的今日，真要我不假思索的给出谣言的准确定义，还是有点难度：是没有事实根据的信息？还是未经证实 的信息？或是对一件重要却又模糊不清的事件的猜测、解释？卡教授花了整整一个章节，枚举谣言研究领域的通俗定义若干，一一指出其中难以概全的偏颇不足，最 后总结：建筑在真实或虚假基础上的通俗定义，纠结于“证实”与否的标准，只能将我们引进死胡同，无法解释谣言的勃勃生机。因为信息和谣言的分水岭是主观性 质的价值判断，“信息”和“谣言”的标签不是在相信或不相信之前贴上去的，而是我们相信与否的结果。因此，卡教授建议，应该将真实性排除出定义的范畴，真 正科学的定义就是——谣言是在社会中出现并流传的未经官方公开证实或者已被官方所辟谣的信息。

从属于信息交流的一种，谣言也离不开信息来源、内容、传播的过程、传播的工具、对象及效果六方面。在逐层深入分析之前，卡教授对谣言的同类近义词“传闻（bruit）、流言（ragot）、闲话（Potin）”做了仔细的辨析：

谣 言和传闻的区别在于传播过程。前者的传播过程是连贯的，具有一种迅速蔓延的气势，而且幅度大；而传闻的传播过程是间断的，涉及面有限。至于谣言与流言的差 别，则体现在信息的来源和结果上。流言通常是针对某人流传的种种低俗故事，它并不能为传播者带来像谣言传播者一样揭露秘密的荣耀感。至于闲话，则是针对谣 言的目的而言，它通常涉及人，为嚼舌头。谣言通常则涉及一件重要却模糊不清的事件。

于此，法文用词的精准可见一斑。无怪乎在国际舞台上，法文能以仲裁语言的面貌频频出现，其严谨性自是功不可没。

谣言的来源，可以是所谓专家+回音室，可以是一件重要却含糊不清的事，可以是幻想、民间传说、误解、信息的操纵，也可以是无意或刻意安排的私房话的泄漏。有趣的是，社会学实验又一次揭示人的“野花要比家花香”的“犯贱”心态，偷听到的消息，若与听者有关并且合乎他的看法，要比直接听到的消息更具说服力。

并不是所有的消息都可以成为谣言，它的传播需要满足三个条件：

• 这个信息必须是人们等待之中的，满足人们或盼望或恐惧的心理，符合人们多少已意识到的预感。
• 这个信息对群体来说又是出乎意料之外的，会带来重大后果的。
• 这个信息是通过口传媒介的方式进行传递的。

传 播谣言，首先是一种感情交流，它煽动道德上的评论，引发个人的意见和感情上的反应。此外，谣言提供的不仅是一个交流信息的机会，还是一个交流各自思想和才 华表现的机会。为了完成社会联系，加强亲友、邻里之间关系，谣言是不可或缺的跳板。谣言还是人类被压抑的好斗性，以社会能接受的方式所进行的一种发泄。谣言的功能集中体现在：

• 提出警告
• 求知：参与群体讨论，在知道他人的看法之后，形成自己的观点，与群体保持一致。
• 说服他人：信徒的圈子越大，我们内心感情上也就越感到自己掌握的是真理。
• 自我解放：谈论本身使我们能减少焦虑、消除孤独感，并使我们感觉朝着事态可控的方向迈进，此外，因为谣言来自他人，也能消除犯罪感，允许我们最为自由地表达其被压抑的，不可明言的冲动。
• 取乐：
• 为说而说：填补聊天中的空白，使其继续下去。

那我们又为什么会相信谣言呢？首先，传播谣言者鲜少持有中立立场， 谣言的传播就是一连串说服行动的结果。其次，知识的专业化和我们与物理世界的关系日益抽象化，导致谣言中的信息与我们最起码的批评观念很难产生鲜明冲突， 也因此不会有意识地去仔细核实听到的内容。再一个，对信息真实性的评估与接受，取决于我们评估是采用的参照系。如果信息与参照系吻合，这个信息就可能被视 为真实的。吊诡的是，科学的普及及迅猛发展使“所有的理论都是暂时的”这一思想得到了广泛的传播，这也变相得使我们的参照系缺失了。当公众对一切都无法相 信的时候，他们就很容易相信一切。看似经得起考验的证据，实际上是我们对沉默的事实赋予含意，并根据时代与个人的不同，含意千变万化。谣言的魅力难以抵挡，还在于它提供了一个机会，使我们能将世界大大地简化，纳入一定范围的秩序中，以更好地解释世界。

归根结底，谣言存在的核心，就是怀疑官方提供的事实，提出另一种事实解释。谣言可真可假，虚假的谣言是有根据的谣言必须付出的代价。如果要扼杀或防止谣言，具有某种透明度，是必不可少的。

我的最后一个收获就是：谣言是我们希望相信的结果，谣言大声表达和证实了我们心中暗自思忖或不敢希冀的事情。这也变相提醒了我们一个明显的事实——我们并不是因为知识是真实的、有根据的、被证实地就相信它们，情况更可能是，因为我们相信它们，它们才是真实的。社会往往是建筑在信仰而不是证据的基础上的。

写不成书

害怕放假，尤其是长假。

为尽义务，兼且怜惜与罪疚双感深度作祟，夹在people mountain people sea中游了苏州一日，还是应了“在最热闹处最孤单”那句话，还是会惯性的疏离及冷漠，还是会不断得想你,想起你。

火车几经升级，两城之间，已被高铁贯通，时间递减至原来的三分之一有余。若是十多年前如此，想必自己多次左腾右挪的费力谋划，时间回报可以更多，人也不必那么辛苦。但回心一想，不经历风雨，哪能见彩虹，也许正因为辛苦费力的折腾，金风玉露一相逢的美好才会在心头经久不衰。

虽说在人间苏杭是比肩而称，杭州终是胜了不止一筹，也是自己心头最爱。近如苏州，中学一别，竟是多年不曾再访。在留园漫步之际，突然品咂出一种熟悉的味道，错以为是行走在那年夏天家乡的小公园内，只是，心之所系不在身畔，良辰美景也是视若不见。

于狮子林，坐在亭中石廊等人，听着mp3，满耳的英伦腔，加厚了思念。恍恍惚惚，又想起那年冬季在游人寥寥的园中，也曾这般坐在石头上，并肩听过mp3，还有被你插科打诨后胎死腹中的赞美，还有互喂零食的细心与贴心...曾让我踟蹰的玩笑之词——“reward”及其后续故事，也历历在心。渐渐地，人就盹着了，直到被冻醒，一时不知身之所之。

摩肩接踵，让人厌倦，平江老街倒是给了我意外之喜。彼时，微雨渐大。撑着伞，踩着一块又一块的青石板，积溅的水花，渗透进鞋内，走起路，重且有声。也好，湿意若也能遵循守恒定律，此消彼长，心头的潮湿，也该消减点罢。

街边的小店，雅、趣、精致。蛰居久矣的我，算是开了眼界。其中一家小店，集音乐、书籍、咖啡屋和画室一身，装修素雅简洁，墙上随处贴着涂满心灵絮语的post-it，挂着来自天涯海角的照片。尽处，占满一面墙的，是木质的时光寄存箱，类似时间胶囊的效用，封存属于你自己的心情故事。

另一家概念书店，偷了宫崎骏的电影之名，经营着自制明信片、手绘地图、插画书签、小众书刊，还有一些小杂物，空气中还漂浮着咖啡和奶茶香。楼下一面明信片墙，提供寄往未来的邮政服务，如此注解：“当明天变成了今天成为了昨天，最后成为记忆里不再重要的某一天...将明信片放在你想投递的日期格内，我们会在指定的那天，帮你投递出去。也许生日，也许思念，也许问候，也许只是给自己。”创意据称也是“偷”自电影。楼上楼下，视力所及处，木质桌椅前坐满了埋头写给未来的青年。穿梭在狭窄的空间，细细翻看了下琳琅的明信片，中意的不少，其中一款木质的明信片，令人垂涎。自己的第一反应就是：嗬，这下有好东西可以寄了，再也不用在你寄来的明信片面前自惭形秽了。第二反应是：能不能寄出国界？又能寄往多少年之后的未来？第三反应是：黯然回魂也。



流光把人抛，待到有物可寄，已是无从寄起。一念生灭，沧海桑田。

终是不甘心，还是在一众阿什物中挑了一本“浮生六记”的记事本，既为了那泛黄的纸页，更为了那个被你挑中的文名。于我心，即便不能送出，那也是为你准备的。