2010年2月21日星期日

Believing is Seeing



因为犯过错,因为还在错误中煎熬,因为将来不可避免得还会犯错,所以我会对人类行差踏错的根源以及犯错后又会如何应对比较好奇。

近来陆续读了两本与错误有关的书,一本是普利策新闻奖得主Joseph T. Hallinan的《Why We Make Mistakes》, 用丰富的事例举证了人类怎样思考,怎样看,怎样记忆,怎样忘怀,又是什么引诱我们的人生抉择变得非理性。另一本则是由两位社会心理学家Carol Travis 和 Elliot Aronson连袂写就的《Mistakes Were Made, but Not by Me》。顾名思义,就可知是关于出错后人类如何自我欺骗、诿过卸责的、自我辩解的。对照着读,比较有趣。

串读后的笔记如下:

为何视而不见:The brain is designed with blind spots, optical & psychological.
  1. 生理因素:
    • 眼睛能够清晰看到的范围只有2度。
    • 在正常的观察距离内,清晰的视觉区域,实际上不超过1/4的象限,眼睛每秒钟大约有三次的转动和停止。
  2. 心理因素:
    • 我们能够注意到的细节,在一定程度上取决于我们如何定义自己。
    • 我们到底看到什么,还与我们想要寻找什么有关系。
    • Confirmation bias: accompany with "naive realism"
    • what you see confirms what you believe, what you believe shapes what you see.
  3. 认知因素:
    • 人类的认知是节约导向的:注意到一些事情的同时会忽略掉其他一些事情。
    • 我们越擅长一件事情,就越倾向于在此事上走马观花。
为何转身就忘:
  1. 在大脑中,意义才是王者,而细节并不重要。
  2. 情感特性(如诚实、可靠)比面孔的外部特征更容易被人记住。
判断力的影响因素:
  1. 第一印象:倾向于坚持自己最初的选择, 哪怕改变会更好。
  2. 价格:价格越高,效果越强
  3. 颜色:黑色常与力量、权势等同起来
  4. 悔恨:人们对“作为”比“不作为”所致的错误,感觉要负有更大的责任。
偏见:
  1. 记忆的偏颇:
    • 人的记忆充满对事实的系统性修正。
    • 人们总是反复不断地用一种更积极、自我吹捧的方式来重构有关自己过去的回忆。
    • Memory can be our personal, live-in, self-justifying historian.
    • Source confusion -- Confabulation;
    • False memory: by distorting it, people can turn their present lives, no matter how bleak or mundane, into a dazzling victory over adversity.
  2. Hindsight:
    • “事后之明”的存在,很难接近客观公正,因为知道事情最终的结果会影响到我们如何看待或者回忆过去的方式。
  3. 大脑偏爱简洁: 曲线变直线,不规则变规则,无意义变有意义。
  4. 印象管理:
    • 谈话不仅仅是为了传递和交换信息,有时也为了让别人形成对自己的一种印象。因此,准确性有时就会让位于“印象管理”的需求。
    • Prejudice serve as self-justifying, allow people to justify and defend their most important social identities (race, religion, sexuality) while reduing the dissonance.
  5. 利益冲突:
    • 披露偏见并不能消除偏见.
    • 披露利益冲突会赋予当事者一种“道德豁免权”,结果适得其反。
认知失调:The engine of self-justification

Self-justification can
  • cover up our mistakes
  • protect our desires to do thing just the way we want to
  • minimize the hurts we inflict on those we love
  • prevent us from left standing emotionally naked, unprotected, in a pool of regrets and losses.
  • minimize the bad feelings we might have as doers of harm
  • maximize any righteous feeling we might have as victims.
读的过程,我的记忆闪回到那年夏天:巨变之后的短信,竟然会被我错读一个词,由此带来了天壤之别的意义,幸亏在其后的交流中,误解被澄清了,否则,难以想象这样令我痛切的误读会怎样在我的心中发酵腐烂。

另外,我问自己,知道了"Believing is seeing,seeing is confirming what we believe",我还会再重复以前那样会错情悟错意的错误吗?我还会坚持己见,视而不见、听而不闻其它的证据和事实,只看自己想看的,只寻找自己想要去证实的吗?我还会不断得兜圈子,耗得你精疲力尽吗?我还会那么相信当初的心有灵犀吗?

此外,我再问自己,我的记忆有没有做出有利于我的系统性修正甚至重构?行差踏错后,我的self-justification引擎有没有轰隆作响呢?我可曾勇于承认错误并咬牙背负那不可承受的重荷呢?

最后,我问自己,明知是错,为何我还是如此飞蛾扑火、义无反顾?一个人,可不可以”发乎情,止乎理“,将心中的感情与形诸于外的言行分隔开呢?

2010年2月18日星期四

教寻梦也回廊

真想你。
想看看你,想和你说说话。
很倦。用尽了所有的力气来克制想念、维持理智,怕极了自己一失控就会不顾一切地拿起电话。f仿佛站在悬崖边上的人,意志在与恐惧竭力争夺对躯体的控制权。
真想你,可你总是鲜少入我梦来,老天,竟连这一点点安慰也吝啬着。

近来,倒是心想事成了数次,尽管不尽如人意。
第一次梦见你,你好整以暇,等我问你别后况景。我清楚地意识到自己是在梦中,一方面我兴奋慌乱,一方面我又紧张得告诫自己,不要醒来,不要醒来。越怕越醒,睁眼在午夜,块垒横梗胸中。
第二次梦见你,你寄来照片,算是诀别,照片中的你,半低着头,安静忧郁地看着我。有附件,解开是乱码。我没头苍蝇般乱窜瞎捣鼓,终于解开,是你的心情表格。数着日期,心里的涩从梦里一直泛溢到梦外。
第三次梦见你,我回到了暗怀心曲的年代,你眉飞色舞,滔滔不绝得讲述自己的故事,我听得愈发沉默黯然,怕你察觉,强以应答。

寻梦已难,魂更无所依矣。



鞭炮声声,不合时宜地想起纳兰的悼亡词:

青衫湿遍,凭伊慰我,忍便相忘。
半月前头扶病,剪刀声、犹在银釭。

忆生来、小胆怯空房。

到而今、独伴梨花影,冷冥冥、尽意凄凉。

愿指魂兮识路,教寻梦也回廊。

咫尺玉钩斜路,一般消受,蔓草残阳。

判把长眠滴醒,和清泪、搅入椒浆。
怕幽泉、还为我神伤。
道书生、薄命宜将息,再休耽、怨粉愁香。

料得重圆密誓,难禁寸裂柔肠。

所悼者谁?我更信是他的宫中表妹。

2010年2月14日星期日

The Letter

...
I am tired, beloved,
of chafing my heart against the want of you;
of squeezing it into little ink drops,
and posting it.
And I scald alone, here,
under the fire of the great moon
...



Happy Valentine,my beloved!

2010年2月13日星期六

芦纸残片 —— 《萨福:一个欧美文学传统的生成》


升级了我的借书证,可选择的书范围一下子宽广了许多,久觅 不得的,也陆续见识了庐山真面。田晓菲编译的这本书,如雷贯耳已久,却总是缘悭一见,如今得缘,等不及回家就在路上翻了起来。

坦白讲,第一遍读,有点迷失。萨福的断章残简,隔了几千年,又隔了中西文化的鸿沟,令我难以品尝她的好。反而引言部分的五篇文章要比正文精彩,更对我的胃口。

夜深,人静。第二遍读,慢慢得品咂出若有似无的幽香来,象极了冬夜花园里隐约飘香的梅,撩拨着灵魂深处的思念和渴求。



最爱的,还是萨福遗诗的Fragment 31,田晓菲的译文,很见功底:

在我看来,他的享受好似天神
无论他是何人,
坐在
你的对面,
听你娓娓而谈
你言语温柔,笑声甜蜜   

啊那是让我心飘摇不定
当我看到你,
哪怕只有
一刹那,
我已经
不能言语   

舌头断裂,血管里奔流着

细小的火焰

黑暗蒙住了我的双眼,

耳鼓狂敲
  

冷汗涔涔而下
我颤栗,
脸色比春草惨绿
我虽生犹死,
至少在我看来——

死亡正在步步紧逼
  

但我必须忍受

因为□□□

既然贫无所有□□□


要真正爱过,才能懂得,这些,竟是真的。面对爱人时,激情点燃的各种感官,被刻画得入木三分。为此,特地在网上找了英文译本比较着读:

The Face Behind The Mask

That man seems to me equal to the gods

Who sits opposite to thee,

And hears thy sweet speech

And watchs thy charming smile.


But Oh,
It shakes the heart in my breast,
For when I look at thee,

My tongue ceases to utter;


My voice is broken,

A subtle fire glides through my veins,

My eyes grow dim,

And a rushing sound fills my ears.


A cold sweat pours down me,

And trembling seizes all

I am paler than grass and seem almost to be dying...


But anything is endurable,
Since...

Impoverished...


只可惜,无缘听见你会如何读它译它...

新年快乐,我爱!

不思量,自难忘 ——《巴别塔之犬》


故事立意新,讲起来却有欠水准,未能满足我的期望。

妻子坠树而亡,丈夫陷溺于悲伤中难以自拔,忽忽起意,试图逾越语言障碍,从她的爱犬处探寻真相。其间,追忆与追寻交替呈现,他在过去与现在中穿梭,终了却发现,这座未竟的巴别塔,不是建在他与狗之间,而是筑在他与妻之间。

一句“忆起我穿白纱的妻子”,初初唤起的,不是悲伤,而是黄碧云写在我记忆深处的一句“突然我记起她的脸,这样,我就老了”,若换做苏轼来吟,就是“十年生死两茫茫,不思量,自难忘”。化不开,遣不散的伤逝之情,都要比前者浓郁得多。

私心以为,书中最有力量的一段文字出现在最后:

“我记得我的妻子身穿白纱的样子。
我记得她在婚礼上走向我,双手抱着一束鲜红色的花。

我记得她生气不理我的时候,身体僵硬得如同一块石头。
我记得她睡觉时的呼吸声。
我记得双手抱住她的感觉。

我记得,我永远记得,她为我的生命带来了慰藉,带来了悲伤。
我记得两人共享的每一个阴暗时刻,至于那些光明的日子,我几乎无法直接正面凝视。

我努力记住她原本的样子,而不是那个为了安抚我的悲伤而被我建构出来的形象。
我发现,随着日子一天天过去,当宽恕的慰藉渐渐冲刷掉我心上的裂痕和焦躁后,我越来越有这样的体会——
记住她原本的样子,就是我能送给我们彼此的最佳礼物。”

不 可否认,人的记忆是有可塑性的。每一天,每一时,每一刻,我们一遍又一遍地描摹勾勒爱人的影像,咀嚼着曾经的甜蜜,又被曾经的悲伤冲刷,重复得太久,重复 太多遍, 她原本的样子也会渐渐模糊在时间的灰烬中,难以辨别真与假。也许,正如作者所言:记住她原本的样子,记住她的真实,记住她的好与不好,记住她带来的悲伤与 慰藉,而依旧心怀感激,庆幸曾经爱过,被爱过,就是我能送给彼此最好的礼物。

跌宕在无情的命运中,你是否也有不肯放开又不得不放开的手?你会以怎样的方式去忆念?你又会怎样走过与她离散后的荒漠?

2010年2月5日星期五

Put Out My Eyes —— 《莎乐美回忆录》


It is painful to read through this memoirs. Nothing else, just because she can remind me of you...

Lots of intermingled feelings, lots of bittersweet words, lots of unforgettable mementoes...

Here is a poem to Salome from Rilke, it speaks out my heart too...



Put out my eyes,
and I can see you still,
Slam my ears to,
and I can hear you yet;

And without any feet I can go to you;

And tongueless,
I can conjure you at will.
Break off my arms,
I shall take hold of you

And grasp you with my heart as with a hand;

Arrest my heart,

my brain will beat as true;

And if you set this brain of mine afire,

Then on my blood-stream I yet will carry you.


刺瞎我的眼睛,我仍旧能看见你
塞住我的耳朵,我仍旧能听见你
没有了脚,我依旧能走向你
没有了舌头,我依旧能恳求你
折断我的手臂,我也能抱紧你、抓牢你,用我的心;
带走我的心,
我的思绪不会就此止息;
如果你焚之以火,
我的血液依旧因你而流淌。

2010年2月1日星期一

若 —— 《If Only》

还有什么,比刚刚在另一本书中读到的,更契合这部电影的呢?

“你识得的这许多字里,最悲伤的字是哪个?” 卢氏问纳兰。

容若,居然也有讷言的时候。

“是‘若’字”。她轻声道。世人常言,这件事若能这般这般,这次意外若能如何如何,该多好;将来若能怎样怎样,我必将如何如何。

但凡出现“若”字,皆是因为已对某人某事无能为力。这个字,是自欺,是欺人。当现实无可挽回,人,只能在言语中实习那份憧憬。

若没有遗憾,一生不必说“若”;若有遗憾,说再多的“若”,也是枉然。

...

If only I had known in the first place...
If only I had said the right words in the right time...
If only I could have changed what happened...
If only I could have had a little more time...
If only I could take my heart back...
If only I could know how to quit you...

...

If You Happen to Pass By... ——《84, Charing Cross Road》


It is said to be a bible of book lover. I just don't get it. Though I do share the passion for books with Helene Hanff, touched by the relationship between the reserved English gentleman and the witty extrovert American woman, moved by the affections and generosity across the ocean and times.

There's already plenty of reviews on this book and movie, I have no intention to add more except for the very private thought evoked by the trivial details.





...

In one of her letters, she complained to Frank his failure to get her wanted book in time, which resulted that she had to write margin notes in library books that don't belong to her. At that moment, something flashed in from the back of my mind. You once mentioned to me the punishment to a little boy for his doodles in library books, well, you might think my silence was uncaring, what you didn't know was that I was ashamed at your words of my selfish behaviors too. Sometimes I did exactly the same thing. I usually like to read the second-hand books just because I can spot previous readers' notes somewhere surprisingly. It seems to add some personal flavor into the lifeless book, which convert the book to a sort of dialogue and no longer be a monologue. I wanted to protest for him and myself, but I didn't. Because I knew it was a vandalism, because I cautiously avoided self-justification, because I wanted to be good in your eyes, because I hoped to match your standards...

...

There's a difference between the book and movie. In movie, Helene finally made it. Standing in the empty bookstore, looking through the memory, she whispered to Frank:"I'm here, finally..." In book, she simply appealed to her friend:"If you happen to pass by 84, Charing Cross Road, Kiss it for me? I owe it so much."

Everytime, at the sight of the landmarks of this city, I’m trembling at craving. I have dreamd about it for so long time, walking through the parks, hand in hand with you, sitting around the streets, sipping coffee and chitchatting with you, visiting all kinds of bookstores, rummaging through the books shoulder by shoulder with you...

" My beloved, I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."

I relive my dreams, I close my eyes and wonder if everything is as hollow as it feels...