Something Ally Mcbeal said in one episode "I will survive" hit me.
Similar to her, I have refused to move on for years after you have gone. Actually I share the same thought with her: It just feels like such a big insult to you if life just goes on.
Similar to her, I feel so alone because the one I love more than anything else isn't even mine. It's a fact, I had to accept. But when the love turned out to be finite, ended suddenly, it left me so empty. I don't feel entitled to cling to the love that I had with you. Maybe a part of me always think I would get it back. But deep down, I also know it is only a wishful thinking. That maybe why the hole feels so big.
Her colleague asked her:
Your love with him it was real at one point?
Yes.
Well, then, you own it. You're entitled to cling to it. Your last memory of him shouldn't be where you left off. Remember him the way you want to. You survive that way, and so does he.
Listening to this, I couldn't help thinking of your guess in last mail. It makes me very sad these days. I feel even more empty than last year.
However, his advice hit me too: Remember you the way I want to. I may survive that way.
In the end, this song appears in the air. It is very sad, I hope I need not to sing it to you yet.
I don't know where life will take us, I never know when death will shake us, I don't know whether I can find an answer in the near future. I'm not sure whether you still want to wait for me after all is said, as a friend, even it may take 10 years or more. But, I will try my best not to sing this song to you someday.
You asked me whether I got religion. I replied no. At that moment, a voice whispered in my heart: Why should I? Don't you know: Love is my religion, and I've believed in you.
No matter how you've changed, you're still you. The one I've thought I've known a lifetime but I still don't know much, the one I have got to know a bit new everyday since the reunion, the one I fell in love with, the one I've dreamed too long.
If something I still can say, believe me: Even you broke my heart, in my eyes you did no wrong. And after all is said and done, you're still you.
Through the darkness I can see your light And you will always shine And I can feel your heart in mine Your face I've memorized I idolize just you
I look up to Everything you are In my eyes you do no wrong I've loved you for so long And after all is said and done You're still you After all You're still you
You walk past me I can feel your pain Time changes everything One truth always stays the same You're still you After all You're still you
I look up to Everything you are In my eyes you do no wrong And I believe in you Although you never asked me to I will remember you And what life put you through
And in this cruel and lonely world I found one love You're still you After all You're still you
Ain't nothing I can say, Nothing I can do, I feel so bad, I feel so blue. I got to make it right For everyone concerned Even if it's me, if it means it's me what's getting burned.
I knew the time would come, I'd have to pay for my mistakes, I can't blame you for what you're doing to me girl, Even though my heart aches.
Only wish I didn't have to love you so, Makes it so, so very hard to go.
I was on an emotional roller coaster since Nov 25th. Now another week passed, and I'm still too numb to feel any pain.
I encountered this song in 《Ally Mcbeal》, the soap drama that helps me to get through all these days and nights. When the words wash over me, the past keep on swirling in my mind too.
I remember clearly how you looked in the age of innocence. I remember vaguely how you looked "the" night. I remember your laughter and your smile. I remember your tears and your sob. I remember how you made me smile and feel so at ease. I remember how you made me cry and feel so desperate.
I know all the rules of logic don't apply. I know you're the best I've ever met. I know you're all I long to see. I know how much you mean to me. I know you're the only one I can't forget.
Though I'm not yet giving up dreaming of our future, and hoping you'll be by my side. Deep down, I know chances are, I can never see you again in real life. Chances are, I can never hear from you any more. Chances are, I always end up driving by your life.
May I see you somewhere in my dreams tonight, my beloved?
I don't understand why it looks like a bomb after going through so many things.It shouldn't matter, but it did blow me to bits again.
When the anger faded,the sadness and the desperation rose.I can't stop shaking like a leaf blown in the stiff wind.
This was crazy. I had never thought I would be mad at you like that one day. The words stormed out from my fingers without any contemplation.I even clicked the reply without the second look.Then I left office regardless of any consequence.
The dark fell, the tide ebbed,the clarity came back to my mind at last,the damage is there already and irrevocable.I can't imagine how you are feeling now, but I have a gut feeling we are back to silent land again. Look what I said to you? I was so hard on you.I guess at some point, the green monster lurking deep in my heart finally took control of me, as I scared before.
My apologies, my dearest. Forgive me for what I did to you.
I guess now you would know better why I haven't jumped at the chance you offered till now. The green-eyed monster is one of reasons which prevent me from giving us a shot. At this stage, I still can't tame it. I'm scared it will hurt both of us again and again.
I want to go ahead and cry hard, but I'm frozen. I want to give in to the madness to feel joy and sadness again, but I'm scared to death. I want to find an answer, but I can't even think.
I wish I would believe: All of the happiness I seek All of the joy for which I pray Is closer than I think It's just 100 tears away.
But I know I'm a long way from some place I feel safe. And there's a place in my heart, the loneliness and sadness are so much that even you can't soothe.
I love you so, I'm willing to take any chance to be with you as long as you can love me back. But we are not longing for the same, I dare not to believe: this time things will be different, this time we can make it.
I don't know how, how I've lived till now, how I will live in the future. I don't know how, how to set my heart free...
How I wish: If only you are just 100 tears away......
