My heart gives a lurch, then another, then another, continually. Your words have wounded me, more than I can imagine. I can't bear to be silent, with my feelings in such a stir.
I get it! I know what you mean and finally I know what I should choose in the near future. Let you do what you can do at this stage, let you be a capable parent, let you find something from yourself that you can be proud of again, let you turn to another page either in mental, psychological or in real life. Just stay out of your way.
I thought I was ready for this, I knew that it was coming, but when I get right down to it, preparing doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Three months passed since the first time you admitted what happened between us was a mistake and you regret it. Today you keep the same opinion if I don’t interpret it wrong again. I haven’t been able to put my feeling into words when I heard it before till I read it now. What I am only able to say to you is: “I am really truly sorry for what you are suffering for a long time.” I am incapable of console you, not before, not now and not future. I also failed to comfort myself, to deceive myself. The longer we keep silent from each other, the more I am envy. The imagination of your daily life, the illusion of all kinds of mundane information, the open, simple, married exchanges between the two of you that could not belong to us make me longing and even jealous. And this hurts more than any physical constraints of our relationship.
If I had been swaying between calling and not calling for so long time, from now on, I have no options any more. I will respect your willingness, I will give you quietness, I will give you room, I will wait for nothing till death! Remember someone asking:” If you loved someone, really loved them, would you let them go?” My answer is here.
Can you believe: You affect me so deeply that you have always been a part of me, under my skin! I wouldn’t be the person I was now if I hadn’t met you!
2007-11-20
