Since last summer, I have lived a reclusive life, I shut off from the real world, my mind is so clouded with you, only you! Even while reading book, listening music, trying to keep routine going, everything is connected with you, in every and even strangely situation, the thought is always centered around you, your image, your word, your article, your smile, your tear.......
What was this magic you cast over me? It glittered one instant, then pulsed the next.During the course of time, I learned about you, step by gradual step, always amazing that each new discovery comes so naturally.The more I learned about you, the more quick peeks I had into the inner of you, the more I longed to know. And opening to you is so natural I do so without a thought, and with a simplicity. Contrarily, I need to control myself very hardly not to let you know my real feeling sometimes, afraid of frightening you with the intensity of it, hurting you with the dark side of it. To me, the control that I honed so well is nearly a prison. I understand my own feelings has reached an apex I could never express with words. Words are inadequate. I could only show you, love, regret, desires, wishes have all culminated to whirl inside me.
Love, I had managed to avoid it for so many years, then I had thoughtlessly opened the door. Now I was vulnerable, dependent – all the thing's I'd promised myself I'd never be again. I felt something cold squeeze my heart and fought to ignore it. We'd said nothing about commitment, nothing about exclusivity. We are adults, I am responsible for my own emotions and its consequences. I could give up pieces of myself for you and still be whole, but without you, I'd never be more than part of a woman. You'd stolen something from me. I'd given it to you freely, though you'd been reluctant to take the love I offered. I couldn't take it back now, even if you disappear from my life.
There were no going back, and I knew it. The times the helpless guilt and grief flooded me aren't fewer, no less painful either. Further, there is quiet, discreet jealousy deeply buried in the bottom of my heart.
It's not a fleeting infatuation. Four years passed, I am still trapped! When you told me you loved me, did you know it would take me the rest of my life to get over the feeling of knowing a dream didn't turn out right.The churning emotion inside me hasn't eased at all since then. There is no place for logic here, no place to be calm and rationalize when I know I love you.
Now, something between us seems to be changed subtly...... What words could I use to penetrate this kind of fear, this kind of grief?
Forget these balderdash! I'm just...........
2007-09-30
