I’m waiting, in silence, without hope, it’s so different with before, when I was waiting with hope. No eager any more, no desire any more, no expectations any more, no fears any more, no pushing anymore, no disappointment anymore…… I’m just feeling sort of dying.
Remember: “了无生趣”? When you heard it from someone else, you were hurt. I didn’t say anything when I heard your description and your thoughts. I knew I was hurt too, for you of course, and deep down, for myself, more than you can imagine. But I also knew I was not allowed to be real me at that time. I was there and tried to support you to go through the hardest time in your life. Not supposed to show my real feeling and give you more burden. But do you know -- That’s also the exactly feeling I am suffering without you in my life? Although I am living, I am not alive any more. I don’t want to move on without what I dreamed. I don’t really want to get over you. Or, I just can’t escape the magic you cast over me. Without you, Everything is nothing, everywhere is nowhere.
You know, sometime in your life, you just can’t choose who you love or whoever you are.
However, sometimes, all we know is: no matter how much you love someone, who just can’t love you back in the same way. I knew it literally before, I know it essentially now. Struggling a lot, like a drowned man struggling for air, finally I knew you in some sense, finally I come to such a stage: nothing can scare me again, nothing can be lost further. Flipping through what I jotted down before, the train of thought didn’t change much since this summer:
突然觉得不再恐惧，因为已经没什么可以害怕失去的；
突然觉得不再焦躁，因为时间已经失去意义；
未来依旧是未知数，充满无限的可能，唯独没有我想要的。
既然没什么可以期盼的，心，自然得沉静了下来。
But whatever the future is, what I am pretty sure is:
When I see back on these times,
has a dream we left behind,
I am glad because I am blessed to have you in my life.
When I look back on these days,
I can see your shiny face,
you are right there for me.
In my dream I will always see you in the blue sky;
In my heart, there’ll always be a place for you for all my life;
I keep a part of you with me,
and everywhere I am there you’ll be, There you will be!
God know how much I MISS YOU!
And, please, forgive my silence to you. I’m not silent totally, because I can’t! All these words burn in my mind and heart fiercely, they drive me to crazy. To be silent to you is the most difficult thing I have ever done, but, I have to, for you only! I wouldn’t have been imprisoned if I could love you less. You maybe would have doubted I am changing, you maybe couldn’t understand why I act like that, but I have no other choice. I just leave these to fortune, to fate. I’m not sure whether you will find out the truth in your life, I’m not even sure whether it is lucky for you to find out such a place, full of gibberish from a fool in love.
2007-10-22
