Grey’s Anatomy has several Episodes to talk about “Lines” which stir the complicated feeling in my deep heart. As usual, I was touched by Meredith’s voiceover first, was distracted by your image then, was ended with my loneliness and sadness finally.
And, today is a special day, I feel colder, lonelier, weaker than ever…… Especially after seeing your mail, I am on the verge of tears, breaking down…….I can’t give you any response, I can’t say anything to you, instead, I choose to write something a bit irrelevant. But, still seems impossible, nothing is irrelevant to you! Everything, every thought is centered on you, come back to you…….
“The first cut is the deepest”
It's all about lines. The finish line at the end of residency, waiting in line for a chance at the operating table, and then, there's the most important line. The line separating you from the people you work with. It doesn't help to get too familiar. To make friends. You need boundaries between you and the rest of the world. Other people are far too messy. It's all about lines. Drawing lines in the sand, and praying like hell no one crosses them.
At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made.
So, you can waste your life, drawing lines, Or, you can live your life crossing them.
Recalling my past, I used to like to draw lines between me and others, I like to keep people in different circle, I insisted that one and the only one is allowed to enter into the nearest circle, Who will be my best confidant, who I am willing to pay full attention to, who I will do anything for, who is my first priority. I was so determined that I refused other’s kindness, closeness, aspirations and I bear with the loneliness I chose.
But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross.
But here's what I know. If you're willing to take the chance...the view from the other side is spectacular.
Once, I had a real best friend, a confidant who I can tell everything, who I can show my darkest side, Who I believed will always understand me and stand by me. But someday, I crossed the line, destroyed what both of us were cherished in a very unexpected way. Though I saw the gorgeous view from the other side, the loss is still too big to bear, especially standing in her shoes.
No words can reveal my regret. Somehow, I believe the great loneliness I felt all the time is punishment for my stupidness.
Now, looking back to the past, reliving that year changed my life forever in my mind, I ask myself over and over, if I have the second chance to roll back the clock, would I have crossed line again? Standing the crossroad, I felt a strange combination of sadness and joy. The answer is disappearing in the heavy mist…..
“No man’s land”
Intimacy is a four-syllable word for, "Here are my heart and soul. Please grind them into hamburger and enjoy." It's both desired and feared, difficult to live with and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to life's three R's: Relatives, romance and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know.
I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of a guide that could tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming. And I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it? And keep it as long as you can. And as for rules? Maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.
Can you imagine where the intimacy will lead to?
I just reap what I sow!
“Break on through”
In surgery there is a red line on the floor that marks the point where the hospital goes from being accessible to being off limits to all but a special few. Crossing the line unauthorized is not tolerated. In general, lines are there for a reason. For safety. For security. For clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it?
你曾经说过我是非常军事化的. 的而且确，我是个喜欢黑白分明的人，凡事希望有line，这样行动起来明确清晰，知道ground rule在哪里，是什么，无须为是否cross line而踌躇，犹豫，行事才容易果断迅捷。
We can't help ourselves. We see a line. We want to cross it. Maybe it's the thrill of trading the familiar for the unfamiliar. A sort of personal dare. Only problem is once you've crossed it's almost impossible to go back. But, if you do manage to make it back across that line. You find safety in numbers.
被我所逾越的line，还可以返回吗？即便退回到当初的line，我们，也不再可能是原来的我们了！
感情，是永远的迷思！
2007-10-19
