It has been 17 days and 14 hours since last call between us! The longest interval it is from last summer! How could I have known that silence could bring this kind of pain? Something built inside me, threatening to burst.
For me, silence is a curtain for my private thoughts and private emotions, I am used to taciturn, I am not good at expression. Sometimes, I thought it would be a way to protect you from my sensitive personality, Once the words are said, I know there’d be no backing away, just like many things. Sometimes, it is a way to hide my hurt feeling or jealousy from you, the thought of facing it had me slipping on my armor. I already gave up all my pride when I decided to follow my heart, but I don’t want you upset or hurt. And sometimes, I simply can’t find an appropriate word in my blank mind. But for you, silence is unusual. You are eloquent, flippant and tactful. You have the god-given capability of repartee. You shouldn’t be silent like that. I am worrying what happened to you, I am afraid of why, I am feeling as if I was sinking as time ticks away.
There has been a change, and if I am honest to myself, I would admit I had sensed it in the way we communicated since this July. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I’d known it. Plus I know it is a new stage in you life, too many things need your attention, too many obligations! But I can’t imagine the road had suddenly developed a new surface. I can’t get used to the new frequency of calls. I was spoiled by you before, I was addicted. Now how could I have wiped out the pain these implications brought me? Every night, before I slip into the dream, I suffer the struggle of “to call or not to call”. Every midnight, waking up in the darkness, I try to figure out a reason for this longest silence. Every morning, lie in the bed soberly, I have to pull myself together to go on with routine. Without any message from you, nothing has every seemed so empty. It’s so easy for me to dial the numbers engraved in my mind; It’s so difficult for me to restrain this craving. In my logic, I have no right to call, no right to disturb your life again. I swore to myself before: I want to, I need to dance to your tune! It’s totally up to you to decide the way we are. That maybe the only thing I can do for you after I upside down your world. Besides, sometimes I can’t stop feeling the waves of self-disgust for so relying on you emotionally. I can’t stop thinking of you, hour after hour, day after day. I am not appreciating it, I am actually hating it. I asked myself over and over: Why have I let myself get so involved?
“Love has to hurt, it’s rule Number 1.” Someone said. Do you agree?
How much more time is it needed to wait till your next call?
2007-10-30
